As part of our Love, Sex and Fire series, this past Sunday somebody asked the question, "How can I help my kids to stay pure?"
Plumbing the depths of my great wisdom and child-rearing experience (just kidding), I'd love to add to what Pastor Al said with a few thoughts of my own.
First:
- DADS need to set the tone and be the spiritual head of the house; the leader and defender of the family. Don't shy away from talking to your kids. It's the greatest disservice you could do them.
- Don't expect the church to make your kids pure, that's up to you and Jesus.
Communicate.
One of the most important things you can do is explain why. For most kids, being 'not allowed' is not a strong enough reason to withstand temptation and peer pressure. I grew up believing that there were countless things that I was "not allowed to do because I was a Christian". It is SO MUCH more than being not allowed!! For the most part I was a pretty decent kid, but it would have been much better for me to stay pure out of strong convictions, than out of guilt.
When other students ask your child "Why won't you have sex?" their answer should not be "I'm not allowed, because I'm a Christian."
Some students have been conditioned to respond, "I'm saving myself for marriage", which is a great start, but if you ask them "WHY?" ... They won't know what to say.
An interesting paradox relating to teenagers and sex is that they are mature enough, yet not mature enough. In other words, as individuals they are not emotionally or mentally mature enough for marriage etc. Yet, physically, their bodies are more than ready and their hormones are at their peak. Telling them they have to wait is like telling a middle aged man he has to wait until he is 85 before he can drive his new Corvette. Fat chance he is going to wait without a good reason to.
In order for your kids to STAY PURE, they have to choose it for themselves, not have it imposed onto them in the form of rules. It needs to become a conviction of their own. In order for them to choose it for themselves, they need to understand WHY it's so important. And they need you, their parents (especially their dads), to explain it to them.
Once you've established this, then you can start imposing some practical guidelines together:
Practical:
- No internet access in their bedrooms.
- No use of the internet-enabled family computer after everybody else has gone to bed.
- It is a good idea to follow these same guidelines for TV
- Remember - iPhones, iPods, Blackberry's etc can also access the internet through either WiFi or 3G networks. If you're going to allow your kids to have these types of devices, it would be a good idea to have an honest discussion with them about their dangers and temptations. Set up some guidelines and do regular checks (especially if you have boys :P ).
- X3Watch and Covenant Eyes are great options for accountability software.
- Dads: when you talk to your sons, be honest. Don't tell them everything you've done because we don't want to validate the behavior - but we do want to communicate that it truly is every man's battle, including yours. This helps them to realize that they are part of a battle, and not a perverted freak of nature. It also let's them know that talking to their dad is a safe thing to do, it helps removes the inclination to hide their struggle.
-Dads: Your daughters need you to talk to them too. You might not need to have the 'Porn Talk' with them... but they need to know the truth about men. She needs to know that any boy who pressures or even suggests sex DOES NOT LOVE HER, he is simply being selfish. She needs to know that love is patient and does not force it's own way; that the young man who truly loves her will be willing to wait. Let her know that the moment sex becomes a pressure - she should run. When young men start thinking 'sex', they are not thinking about what's best for your daughter, but about what will please them the most - and Love is not selfish. Your daughter may not realize this, and think that giving into the pressure will show that they love each other.
You daughter needs to decide for herself what her response will be before she finds herself in that position, and so she needs you to talk to her.
I wont suggest an age to start communicating about these issues, but I will leave you with an astounding fact. According to Dr. Les Parrott the average age that youth become sexually active is 12 for boys, and 13 for girls (this statistic is already 12 years old).
There is no time to waste!!!
Bless you guys!!!!
Rob
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